A Merry Christmas To You

Like any poor college student, I've spent a fair amount of this holiday season just scrambling around for gifts that my loved ones might appreciate. I feel like I have so much that I wish to give to people that I love, but I lack the financial means to accomplish this goal. On every run, at every meal, I've been trying to figure out what I could get people.

And I finally realized that for so long I have not been giving myself to people lately. For so long, I've been off in my own world, and now I'm back home and faced with the realization that I've displaced myself from many relationships that I treasured with radiant pride. It kills me that I've left so much unsaid. I want to apologize for all the lost calls. For all the unsent letters. For the missed shows. For innumerable blank stares. For skipped meals. And especially for unspoken prayers.

I promise that it's not that I've lost emotion or heart towards you. It's just that I was so worried about finding myself that I knew I'd compromise who I was if I bent too heavily to other people during this imperative growing period. But I miss you now. I feel like I've found myself, and I wish to share it with you. I want to know your hidden mysteries with a stronger conviction and sense of wonder than ever before. I'm sorry for seeming so withdrawn, but it's just because I've been shaking the snow from my hair and warming by the fire. But now, I promise you, I desperately want to sit on our familiar couch and share life with you.

So I hope this finds you sitting in a circle of friends, watching old re-runs of A Christmas Story. Or maybe you're sitting at your worn, wooden desk checking up on the world while your dog lays her head comfortingly across your feet. I hope this Christmas season you see past the cartoons on T.V.and through the commercialized wrapping paper. And lastly, I hope you might be kind enough to receive me and my heart for Christmas. Albeit nothing impressive, it's all I have to give.

Not In Love With The Modern World

In my world

I'll draw people

As a collective branch

Clipping away any

Pluralistic, divided sects

I'll slip past

The waves breaking on my knees

And take the long way round

My sleeping Calypso

Because I've lost my straining need

For an enemy

My world, my globe

Formed by no other's fancy

Will blink and yawn

Scattering stardust on the

Restless dreamers in feathered beds

Of warm memories and distant futures

And here I leave you, world

Spinning and steady in my love

Stoically knowing you'll never love me in return

For I only meant to create

And watch as your heart

Tends to its people

How sweet is the smell of

Raindrops pattering on rolling harmonies

If We're Not Careful, We'll Bring You Down

Did you know that he lives among us?

Walking with a clipped stride

Through crowds of people, crowds of thoughts

Lying stiffly on his back, he winks at Orion

Recounting with repeated ease

Requests followed by stares, ill wishes, and pitied avoidance

I like to watch him

As I sip coffee

In a café

In the warmth

He paces the same sqaures

Over and over

And I beg him

With my eyes

To join his brother

My eyes watch

His rhythmic pace

I feel his fallen arches

I feel his heart of stone

Tears swell

And my eyes flutter

"Just come inside"

Eyes on the door

Waiting to see myself walk through

But you and I both know

That we won't ever meet

In a clean well lighted place

Sing Along to Songs You Don't Know

Lately I've been really bothered by things like Facebook and other easy accesses to finding things out about people. It's so easy to quickly accumulate all the knowledge one needs to know about another person. I could easily and painlessly find out about a person's actions and involvements by rifling through their pictures or asking others about that person. These new forms of social networking have frozen my people skills and fostered a selfish desire to know others almost in order for them to know me. Maybe this is all stirred by insecurities found from a new college experience. But either way, I'm not having the fellowship like I used to.

This understanding has slowly hit me over the past couple of weeks. I was feeling different and my interactions with people were colder and only full of words. I do miss people. I miss staying up late and sharing stories and dreams with Aaron. I miss your confirming smiles. I miss my heart.

Then it all started to make a little more sense. The plot took a back seat and the attention to detail flourished. Lately, I haven't been seeing peoples' lives; I've been trying to hold their hearts, after I offer mine, of course. I love sharing a walk with Gabby or Alec because I forget that I have a cell phone. All I know is that people are wonderful songs that I can't get out of my head. I wish I could explain my joy when Howard, Jake, and I go exploring. I wish I could describe the colors that poured out of the phone when my sister called the other night. But then I'd be perpetuating the impersonal data swapping that has people shackled to their computers within their colorless walls. So please, go on and let your stories pour out of you; people are waiting to catch them.

I Remember Running Through the Wet Grass

I ran like a kid again today. For the first time in many years, I wasn't afraid to scream and jump without worry. And, of course, I ran, eyes closed, through the rain because my heart was on fire.